The Family Vacation Survival Guide: Why Forced Family Fun Ruins the Vibe
It is early July, which means families all over Lancaster, PA are packing up their cars and heading on vacation. For my family, it’s the beach.
When my kids were young teenagers, I used to go into our family vacations expecting this blissful, picture-perfect week of constant family time. But without fail, by the end of the week, we were all tearing our hair out. We were mad, frustrated, and drowning in big emotions.
It took me a long time to figure out exactly why our vacations were ending in emotional hurricanes, and the truth required me to take a hard look at myself.
I’m an Enneagram Type 1, or as I like to call myself, a recovering perfectionist. On vacation, I tend to want to control everything and have things a certain way, but I wouldn't actually communicate those expectations. I just expected everyone to get on board. When I finally learned to step back and look at my family's unique personalities, I realized why my perfect vacation was completely draining my kids.
The Enneagram Vacation Clash
When you take a group of people, remove their daily routines, and stick them in a small beach house together 24/7, their core personality traits are going to clash.
In my family, it looked like this:
The Type 1 Mom (Me): I wanted to control the environment and expected us all to be together, having a great time.
The Type 5 Husband & Son (The Investigators): Type 5s are fiercely independent and have a limited social battery. To recharge, my husband and my son both needed to just walk away. They would grab a book, go for a long walk on the beach by themselves, and leave me wondering, "Wait, where are you going? We’re supposed to be having family time!"
The Type 4 Son (The Individualist): My other son experiences very deep, big emotions. Being stuck in a small space, completely out of his normal routine, was incredibly dysregulating for his nervous system. Without fail, by Thursday of a week-long vacation, he would have a major emotional moment.
Rethinking the "Family Time" Expectation
What I finally learned (and what I now teach the moms in my private practice) is that we had to relax our expectations.
Yes, we all loved the beach, and we loved playing card games together in the evenings. But we also had to honor everyone's nervous system. I had to realize that if my teens wanted to sit in the condo and play video games, or take a solo walk on the beach, that was completely okay. Being in a small space on top of each other means that alone time is actually a biological necessity to stay regulated.
Once I let go of my Type 1/perfectionist control, I actually started to love having my own time to do my own thing at the beach, too!
The #1 Rule When Your Teen is Grumpy
Inevitably, your teen is going to get grumpy on vacation. When they do, my #1 piece of coaching advice is this: Let them be grumpy. Just don't let their grumpiness make YOU grumpy.
As moms, when our teen ruins the vibe, our instinct is to hound them about why or force them into a good mood so we can salvage the family time. But pushing a teenager to "just be happy" will only make everything worse.
Instead, act as the thermostat of the room. Stay completely calm and regulated, and recognize that their grumpiness is just a symptom of a deeper nervous system need. Maybe they’re hungry. Maybe they miss their friends back home. Or, very likely, maybe they just haven't gotten enough alone time to recharge their battery.
You can gently invite them into a conversation to see what's underneath it, but if they push back, back off. Give them space. They’ll figure it out, and the storm will pass much faster if you don't jump into the hurricane with them.
Learn to Decode Your Family's Dynamics
If you’re tired of your vacations ending in exhaustion, frustration, and slamming doors, it’s time to understand the unique wiring of the people living under your roof.
Through my Understand Your Teen program, I formally type both you and your teen using the Enneagram. We will look exactly at where your personalities are naturally compatible, and where you are guaranteed to clash (like my Type 1 and Type 5 dynamic!). You will walk away with a personalized, actionable roadmap on how to minimize conflict, motivate your specific teen, and communicate compassionately.
Click here to decode your family’s personalities so you can actually enjoy your next vacation!
