How to Let Go of Your Senior (Without Losing Your Mind)
This is the great paradox of parenting: We work so incredibly hard during the teenage years to build a relationship with our kids. We do the work to connect with them, to actually enjoy these years instead of just surviving them.
And then... they leave.
If you’re a mom of a graduating senior here in Lancaster County, you’re likely in the thick of this transition right now. If your teen is a junior, the best advice I can give you is to start preparing yourself now. Remind yourself that you have done your job well, you’re sending a healthy adult into the world, and your relationship will continue…it’ll just look different.
But if you didn't have the opportunity to prep yourself a year in advance, and now you find yourself staring down a graduation date just weeks away, the reality hits hard. It can be absolutely devastating.
If you’re struggling right now, here is how we can help your nervous system handle the transition.
1. Allow Yourself to Grieve
The first piece of advice I give the moms I coach is simply this: Allow yourself to grieve. It is okay to feel sad. It is okay to cry in your car or in the middle of Target. Feeling devastated doesn’t mean you’re a horrible parent, and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with your relationship. In fact, it means there is a lot that was right with your relationship. You’re grieving a beautiful season that is coming to an end.
Allow yourself to feel all the feelings. If you enjoy journaling, I highly encourage you to pull up an Emotion Wheel online. Figure out the hyper-specific emotions you’re experiencing and journal about them. That act of naming and writing is often a massive physical release. (Start from the center and choose the word that best describes how you feel as you work your way out.)
2. The 15-Minute Agreement
Because you’re close with your teen, you need to talk to them about this transition. Be honest and vulnerable.
Say something like: "This transition is really hard for me to let you go because I love you so much. I know you need to do it, and you are going to do so well. But I need your help to kind of wean off this dynamic. When you leave in the fall, can we set up a time to talk for just 15 minutes a day?"
Admit that you’re going to be a little needy for a minute (that‘s okay!). By asking for just 15 minutes, you’re setting a low-pressure ground rule. If you ask a teenager to talk for an hour every Friday, they’ll panic about not having enough time. But 15 minutes? That’s easy for them to commit to, and it gives you the connection your heart needs.
3. Matching Your Nervous System's Energy
When we experience deep sadness or grief, our nervous system often drops into a hypoaroused state (also known as the dorsal vagal state). You might feel depressed, lethargic, low, shut down, or completely collapsed on the couch.
How do you get your energy back up when getting off the couch feels impossible? You have to match your energy. Find activities that you genuinely enjoy doing when you’re well-regulated, and use them to gently match and shift your current state.
I recently had a coaching client who loved journaling. When she was in a low-energy, hypoaroused state, she would journal. Because it was a quiet, low-energy activity that she loved, it safely pulled her out of that collapsed state. On the flip side, when she was feeling highly anxious and hyperaroused (sympathetic state), she needed to expend that mobilized energy. She would go into her kitchen and bake sourdough bread. Baking was a sense of play for her, and the physical exertion matched her anxious energy and brought her back down to calm.
What Matches Your Energy?
What are the things you like to do in your well-regulated state?
When you’re feeling deeply low and sad about your senior leaving, what is a gentle, low-energy activity that can help you feel a little better? When you’re feeling anxious and mobilized about their future, what high-energy play can help you expend that stress?
If you’re feeling completely stuck in this transition and your nervous system is overwhelmed, I can help. In this one-hour intensive, we’ll dive into why your alarm is stuck on high alert or making you feel exhausted and give you the real-time tools to enjoy this life transition. You’ll walk away with a personalized plan to lower the emotional temperature in your home, moving you from frantic reaction to calm composure.
Click here to get the Nervous System Reset and find your emotional footing again!
