Homecoming, Belonging, and the Social Pressure Nobody Talks About
Homecoming season is here, and every year around this time I hear some version of the same thing from moms. "My kid doesn't want to go to homecoming, and I don't get it. It was such a special time for me. How do I make them go?"
I understand that feeling completely. But I want to gently push back on where it usually leads.
We're Comparing Their Homecoming to Ours
A lot of us have genuinely good memories of homecoming, the dress, the photos, the friends, the whole experience. So when our own teen shrugs it off or flat out says they don't want to go, it's easy to feel a little heartbroken on their behalf, like they're missing out on something we know is special.
But homecoming today isn't the same event it was when we were in high school. The social dynamics are different, the pressure is different, and honestly, for a lot of teens, it's not the meaningful, exciting night we remember. It's loud, it's crowded, it's often full of drama, who's going with who, who got left out of which group, who posted what before the dance even started. For some kids, that's genuinely fun. For others, it's a night specifically designed around everything that drains them.
The Worry Underneath the Worry
Here's what I think is actually going on for a lot of moms in this moment, and it's worth naming honestly. When your kid doesn't want to go, there's often a quiet fear underneath the disappointment. Something like, is there something wrong with my kid? Are they struggling socially? Am I missing something I should be worried about?
That worry is understandable. But not wanting to go to a loud, overstimulating, drama-heavy dance isn't automatically a red flag. Sometimes it's just accurate self-knowledge. Plenty of perfectly well-adjusted, socially connected teens look at a night like that and correctly predict they won't enjoy it, and choose not to go, the same way plenty of adults skip loud, crowded parties they know aren't their thing. We should be applauding them for their insight.
What I'd Actually Do
My honest take, if your kid doesn't want to go, don't make them go. Forcing it rarely creates the good memory you're hoping for. It usually just creates a night your teen endured instead of enjoyed, and a version of the experience that was really about your expectations, not theirs.
Instead, offer them a real alternative to actually connect with people, just on their terms. Invite a few friends over for a hangout at the house. Suggest a movie night instead. Let them build their own version of a fun night with people they actually want to be around, without the crowd, the noise, and the drama that usually comes with a school dance.
That's not settling for less. For a lot of kids, that's the version of the night that actually gives them what homecoming is supposed to be about in the first place, time with people they like, without everything else attached to it.
Using the Safe Place Parenting Model Here
This is a great example of Notice, Regulate, Connect in a smaller, everyday moment. Notice what's actually driving your reaction. Is it genuine concern about your teen's wellbeing, or is it more about your own memories and what you wish this season looked like for them. Regulate that disappointment on your own before you say anything, because it's not fair to hand your teen the job of living out the homecoming experience you didn't get to relive through them. Connect by finding out what would actually feel good to them, and helping make that happen instead of the version you had in mind.
How to Tell if It's Just Preference, or Something More
Most of the time, a teen skipping homecoming is exactly what it looks like, a kid who knows themselves well enough to opt out of an event that isn't their thing. But every so often, that same pattern, avoiding social events, wanting to stay home, pulling back from friends, can be part of something bigger than a simple preference, and it's worth knowing the difference so you're not either overreacting to something totally normal or missing something that deserves more attention.
I put together a free guide on exactly this, "How to Tell if It's Anxiety or Just Typical Teen Stuff." It walks through how to spot the difference between a teen who genuinely just prefers a quieter night in and one who might be dealing with something that needs more support, plus some simple tools for either situation.
Grab the free guide here!
And if you want more of this kind of real talk about the parts of parenting a teen nobody prepares you for, come find me on Instagram @beckyfunkcoaching.
