"Why Did They Leave Me on Read?" Navigating Teen Dating & Friendships in the Digital Age
If you walked through Park City Mall or Lititz Springs Park this past weekend, you probably saw groups of teens glued to their phones.
To us, they look disconnected. But to them, they are in the middle of a high-stakes social chess game.
In the digital age, friendship and dating anxiety doesn't end when the school bell rings. It follows them home in their pocket. A text left “on read" or a Snap Map location can send a teen into a full-blown spiral of rejection and anxiety.
As a Teen Life Coach here in Lancaster, one of the biggest things I see isn't just drama; it’s a lack of boundaries.
The Fawn Response in Relationships
We often talk about "Fight or Flight," but in relationships, anxious teens often default to Fawn.
This is the "people-pleasing" response. It’s when a teen suppresses their own needs to keep the peace or earn love.
According to Pew Research Center, 59% of teens feel pressure to respond to messages immediately. That pressure creates a nervous system that is constantly "on," waiting for validation.
Is Your Teen a Type 2 or Type 9?
While any teen can struggle with this, I see it most often in two specific Enneagram Types:
The Helper (Type 2): They might over-give in friendships, buying gifts or being the "therapist" friend, believing they are only loved for what they do for others.
The Peacemaker (Type 9): They might "merge" with their boyfriend or girlfriend, adopting their hobbies and opinions because they are terrified of conflict.
The Stand Strong Solution: Advocacy Scripts
We can’t ban social media (well, we can try, but the social dynamics remain). Instead, we have to teach teens Advocacy.
In my coaching sessions, we practice specific scripts. We literally rehearse them until their nervous system feels safe saying them.
Here is a script you can try with your teen: Instead of ghosting a friend or exploding in anger, try the "I Feel / I Need" formula:
"Hey, when you joke about my grades in the group chat, I feel embarrassed. I need you to stop making those jokes if we’re going to keep hanging out."
It sounds simple, but for an anxious teen, saying this is terrifying. That’s why we practice.
Building Healthy Standards
We want our teens to know the difference between a quirky friendship and a toxic one. Organizations like Love is Respect offer great quizzes for teens to check if their relationship is healthy.
But often, they need a guide to help them walk through it.
Let’s Build Their Confidence
If your teen is constantly crying over friend drama, checking their phone obsessively, or changing who they are to fit in, they don't need to just "get over it." They need skills.
I help teens build the confidence to set boundaries and choose friends who actually make them feel good.
