Trying to Help Makes Your Teen Shut Down (And What to Do Instead)
As a high-achieving mom, you’re a natural problem-solver. It’s what makes you so successful in your career and so capable at running your household.
So, when your teen finally comes to you with a problem (maybe they are stressed about a friend’s drama, overwhelmed by a teacher, or frustrated with their part-time job) your instincts immediately kick in. You want to fix it. Actually, you need to fix it. You offer advice, you outline a plan, and you tell them exactly how to handle it.
And then... they roll their eyes, say "Never mind, you don't get it," and walk away.
If you’re left standing in the kitchen wondering why trying to help just ruined the conversation, I want you to know you aren't alone. I’ve been exactly where you are.
My Own "Wake-Up Call"
I am a fixer at heart. A few years ago, my son (who is a verbal processor) got a job as a server. After a long shift, he’d start complaining about difficult customers or frustrating coworkers.
Because I was a waitress when I was his age, I immediately jumped in. I started giving him all my best advice on how to handle the tables and deal with the staff.
One night, he just stopped me. He looked at me and said, "Mom, can I literally just vent to you without you needing to try and fix everything?"
That was a massive wake-up call for me. I realized I was actually screwing up our relationship. Most of the time when he came to talk to me, he just wanted to get the weight off his chest and move on. But by constantly jumping in to fix his problems, I was unintentionally sending him a devastating message: I didn't think he was capable of figuring it out himself. And honestly? That was not cool.
Why We Fall Into the Fixer Trap
If fixing things pushes our teens away, why do we keep doing it?
In my Safe Place Parent Coaching program, I work with high-achieving moms to answer this exact question. The personalized care we do starts with looking at your Enneagram type to understand why you are wired the way you are.
Very often, moms who fall into the Fixer Trap are Enneagram Type 1s (The Perfectionists), though this definitely bleeds into other personality types, too! When we see our kids struggling, it spikes our own anxiety. Jumping in to give advice isn't actually about solving their problem; it is a subconscious attempt to soothe our own dysregulated nervous system. We fix things so we can feel better.
The Magic Question
If you want your teen to keep opening up to you, you have to create a safe space where they can process their feelings without feeling managed or evaluated.
Here is a highly effective tool I teach the moms I coach. The next time your teen starts unloading a problem on you, pause, take a deep breath to regulate your own nervous system, and ask The Magic Question:
"Do you want to vent, do you want my advice, or do you want me to help you come up with a plan?"
I promise you, 90% of the time, your teen is going to say, "I just want to vent." Your job in that moment is to cool your need to give advice. Take slow, deep breaths. Keep your mouth closed. Nod. Validate their frustration. Let them figure it out.
Let’s Chat (No Judgment, Just Support)
Parenting a teenager as a high-achieving mom is incredibly heavy, and reading a generic parenting book isn't going to cut it. You need personalized tools that work for your unique personality and your specific family dynamic.
If you’re feeling stuck in a cycle of miscommunication with your teen, let's connect. I offer a free, casual Discovery Call for parents. We’ll chat for 15 to 20 minutes so I can get an idea of what you are struggling with. I’ll give you a few tangible tips (like nervous system hacks or communication scripts) that you can use that very same day, and we can talk about how I can help you long-term.
I see clients in-person right here in Lancaster, PA, and I also work virtually with moms everywhere.
Click here to schedule a quick 15-minute chat. Let’s get you and your teen back on the same team.
